Soup.......or sandwich....

It strikes me that there is a lot of b*ll*cks being produced by movie people at the moment - precious few exceptions - so I get nostalgic and head for some forgotten classics which provide entertainment from beginning to end... Here's my top 5 viewing suggestions for today, in no particular order... (bearing WELL in mind that top 5s change on a - generally - daily basis, so expect more at a later date) -

9 To 5 - Quality stuff and highly entertaining - Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin, Dolly Parton, a great script and superb direction - it may be kitsch by today's standards but it's a classic for me...

Brewster's Millions - ok, it may not be the most earth-shattering plot but it's a thoroughly enjoyable romp

The Man With 2 Brains - CLASSIC comedy from Steve Martin at his best. I've seen this a bajillion times and it still cracks me up, speaking of which....

Blazing Saddles - I am AMAZED that there are people who haven't seen this.  Genius from beginning to end and the source of my email addresses...

Trading Places - why? It's just superb - plus I have a slightly inexplicable Dan Ackroyd fetish...don't ask....I have no idea...

I'm not saying these are the greatest movies ever made, but everyone forgets there's more to life than the tat that's churned out by special effects nuts or dreadful and sacreligious debacles like the remake of the Day The Earth Stood Still...... don't start me. So - watch 'em...don't watch 'em....just a suggestion. 

Yeah....no, seriously.... my mum bought me tights "on the cheap" from ASDA and they come up to my boobs.   In fact - they come up to my nose... I suspect they are a line developed secretly by Simon Cowell. They may be warm but dear god they are THE most bizarre tights EVER made... Damn you, Cowell.....

Here's a thing that sucks - MIGRAINES.... yeah.  They suck.  A lot. Especially ones that knock you out for days and it hurts to BREATHE! I for one say a hefty STUFF THAT to migraines!

So there. Yep.

Oh - yeah - and people who say things like, "Oh, absoLUTEly - I TOTally know what you mean - shyar, totally...like, because I had one the other week and I could barely finish my 5 course meal and face a vigorous night of disco boogie. It was a real owie...yeah", should be shot on the head, possibly as - and here's a newsflash - YOU'VE NEVER HAD A MIGRAINE IN YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!! RRRRAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

To all fellow sufferers - solidarity my brothers and sisters! We should all get free cake to make up for it.

And a pony.

Our local newspaper (generally grim and pointless) this week had a feature headline:

"Gerbil Dies in House Fire"

The fire brigade put out the fire but just could not save little Chippy....

Is this the dullest news ever?

In my local very cr*ppy "super"market today I noticed that the degenerate evil of Bernard Matthews has produced.....

.........turkey.....................ham.

TURKEY...........................HAM

Correct me if I've gone a bit odd but .....doesn't ham.........come from .......pigs?

In fact - don't turkeys famously produce.........turkey?

Matthews - in all his megalomaniacal insanity - has produced a monstrous turkey-pig chimera! what, what.......a ....... a PURKEY???  That's one HELL of a lot of stuffing going into THAT arse at Christmas!!!

Matthews, that is - not the Purkey.......

General movie nastiness just KEEPS on coming - it's brain melting in its apalling regularity - thank you Hollywood.... So here's a few more of my personal worst -

'The League of Extraordinary Gentleman' - although I get that comic/book to movie adaptation need some room to work, there's SO much wrong with this it just melts my face! Lousy casting, scripting, direction, CGI and so on and so forth...dear gods...

'Star Wars - Attack Of The Clones' - Lucas at his worst, second only to the recent full CGI feature-length toy ad, this really does chew hoof

'Nighthawks' - Sorry, Sly - you KNOW I adore you in all your awesomeness, but although this SHOULD be so bad it's entertaining - it's really just BAD! Even alcohol can't make me see the shiny side of this one...

'X3' - um... well, where to begin...Surely they should have had the balls to match up to the Marvel Universe comics and make the bad guys Magneto, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver - go for the whole 'House of M' thing? but noooo... plus, aside from just the general crapness of the whole thing they throw away Juggernaut and Kitty Pryde as well as Beast on this monstrosity? At least randomly killing of the main characters follows the general Marvel ethic.

'Spider-Man 3' - there was a musical number.... a MUSICAL number.... And, cool though she is, Ms Dunst is SO not Mary Jane! And Venom was just a big pile of poo.

'Vampirella' - don't EVER EVER EVER bother!! EVER

Come on - you know you have more .... you KNOW you do!!!

Ok ..... here are my votes, in no particular order of vileness...

The Day The Earth Stood Still remake (did they even ever SEE the original ??huh?  And Canoe Reeves???ugh)

Tim Burton's Planet Of The Apes ('Get your hands off me you damn dirty human!'  Honestly, Tim, did you GET the point of the 1st one? And Helena Bonham Carter ape-in-lipstick...*shudder*)

The Pink Panther.  (Steve Martin -otherwise generally entertaining - reprising Sellers' role .....yes.... well... utter a*se-juice )

The Itallian Job (mmmm-hmmmmmm......hummm.....no.  Just no.)

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. (Seriously - Gene Wilder WAS Wonka.... And they managed to make the oompa loompas even creepier!)

you know you have more suggestions....go on ------