| Most Recent Posts Something a little more profoundPosted 09-Jun-07 18:57:57 BST 1. Save the whales.
Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like... night 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 5. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 6. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 7. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. Handy Hints For An Easier Life................Posted 09-Jun-07 18:55:28 BST Top Tips If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour boiling water down it's throat, Hey Presto! blockage instantly removed Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle it with permanent ink so you can see how effective your detergent is Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view! Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, you'll get paid for it! . Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home, fill the bath with cold water add 2 bottles of bleach then invite strangers to p**s in it before you jump in Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car, you drive the things like dodgems, might as well look like one Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree amaze your friends & colleagues....................Posted 03-Jun-07 02:47:55 BST In the
1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was
allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have
"the rule of thumb"
Many years ago in
Scotland , a new game was
invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word
GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple
to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more
money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
Men can read
smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was
originally green. It is impossible
to lick your elbow. The State with the
highest percentage of people who walk to work Alaska
The percentage of
Africa that is
wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of
North
America that is
wilderness: 38% Each king in a
deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King
David Hearts -
Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander,
the Great Diamonds - Julius
Caesar 111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the
park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in
battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of
wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the
person died of natural causes.
-------------- In Shakespeare's
time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the
ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the
accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago
that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his
son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we
know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs,
ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers
got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and
settle down."
It's where we get
the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters
had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle,of their ceramic cups. When they
needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle"
is the phrase inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND
FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of
people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
This may look weird but believe it or not, you can read it. I cdnuolt blveiee
taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I
was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor
of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it
deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod
are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset
can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae
the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE
LIVING IN 2007 when...
1. You
accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a
list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail
the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason
for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail
addresses.
6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you
carry in the groceries.
7. Every
commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the
house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or
60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and
get it.
10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're
reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse,
you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too
busy to notice there was no #9 on this list
15. You actually
scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
AND NOW U R
LAUGHING at yourself well whaddya expect at this time of night???Posted 03-Jun-07 02:27:42 BST Avoid unwanted conversation when commuting by following these simple instructions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman. It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek. The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him" The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him" The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me" The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French tw*t again" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Her side of events He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else??? His Version My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ classics!Posted 02-Jun-07 00:09:18 BST A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, vaulted the porch steps & hurtled into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack? Are we heading for a hot beach resort or a snowy cabin in the alps?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just bugger off" ************************************************** Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay." ************************************************** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're go ing to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." 98% will give same answer, how about you????Posted 01-Jun-07 23:43:09 BST Just follow the instructions as quickly as possible. Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one.. You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind. Dont worry if you get any wrong, no-one will know This may surprise you................... Start: How much is: 15 + 6 I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's! nearly over.. Come on, one more! 123 + 5 QUICK!!!! NAME A COLOUR AND A TOOL! 1ST THAT COMES INTO YOUR HEAD Did you think red hammer? 98% of people will answer red hammer. You didnt???? Then you're one of the 2% with an (ahem) abnormal mind! BTW I said blue drill! Berts New BootsPosted 01-Jun-07 23:17:08 BST Updated 01-Jun-07 23:19:07 BST
For all the Mums of precious little boys..............a few observations!Posted 21-Apr-07 13:45:26 BST 1. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 2. If you hook a dog lead over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 3. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw a baseball up a few times before you get a hit. 4. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 5. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 6. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it. 7. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies. 8. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy. 9. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 10. Super glue is forever. 11. Black bags do not make good parachutes. 12. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving. 13. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. 14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. 15. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 16. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 17. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 18. Fresh vegetables are disgusting, worms however are delicious 19. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids. 20. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing bleach and brake fluid Just When You Thought It Couldn't Get Any Worse.................................Posted 14-Apr-07 21:40:52 BST 11. A clear
conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 15. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. 22. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 23. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. |
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